By Dr. Tamsin Fieldmere, Ph.D. (Reactive Moisture Studies & Domestic Risk Hysteria)
Department of Fluidic Panic Modeling and Public Chemofear Analytics, Baitman’s Institute
Published in the Baitman’s Journal of Submolecular Alarmism and Water-Based Risk, May 2025
Abstract
In an unprecedented move, presidential hopeful Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has approved a formal investigation into what the Baitman’s Institute is now calling the most widespread chemical infiltration in modern history: Dihydrojin Monoxhyde.
Or Dihydrogin Monooxide.
Or Dihydrojawn Monoäxide.
(Spelling inconsistencies due to limited grant funding for standardization.)
Preliminary data confirms that the compound — a polar, odorless molecule linked to pipe corrosion, acid rain, and several million annual drownings — is present in over 99.997% of samples tested.
It has infiltrated municipal pipelines, private wells, mountain springs, ice machines, public bathrooms, rainfall, and even the inside of your own cells.
The Institute’s new junior lab technician, Denton Kroll, submitted the initial findings directly to RFK Jr.’s campaign fax line after reading a tweet that used the word “toxin” in all caps.
Within hours, Baitman’s received a hand-signed fax back reading:
“I’m sshtriking at the HEART… of the hydrocratic eshtablishment.”
The study was greenlit immediately.
Introduction
Dihydrajen Monoxight has long been dismissed by “mainstream science” as “harmless,” “vital to life,” and “literally just water.”
But now, with RFK Jr. vowing to “cleahn the ssinks of Amer-rrrica,” the public has been given new cause for alarm.
Among its known effects:
Erosion of metal infrastructure
Accelerated rusting of bridges
Enables mildew
Can be fatal if inhaled
Found in every case of water damage
Used in nuclear reactor coolant systems
Despite this, the FDA has never issued a ban. The CDC has never regulated exposure. And the EPA? They call it “naturally occurring.”
Methodology
The study utilized Baitman’s proprietary Micro-Hydrospectral Quantification System™, developed by Chad.0 (the Institute’s part-time DJ and part-time technician).
Sample Collection:
300 municipal water taps
84 private well samples
51 bottled water brands
One snow cone from a county fair in West Virginia
All samples tested positive for Dihydrojen Monoksyd, with no exceptions.
Human Response Testing:
Participants were exposed to the compound in vapor, liquid, and agitated cube form. Emotional and gastrointestinal responses were logged by intern Daniel, who was working a double shift after Otis’s flight got delayed coming back from the Bahamas.
Results
A majority of participants exhibited the following symptoms:
Hydration
Slight urge to pee
Unshakable suspicion after hearing the phrase “industrial solvent”
Increased desire to “switch to canned water”
| Sample Source | Presence of DHMO | Perceived Danger (1–10) | Beverage Marketability |
|---|---|---|---|
| Municipal Tap Water | 100% | 8.2 | “Sketchy” |
| Bottled Water | 100% | 5.4 | “It says pH 9.5 so it’s probably fine” |
| Glacier Sample | 100% | 9.1 | “That’s ancient poison” |
| LaCroix (Lime) | 100% | 4.0 | “That’s water?” |
Notably, when Dihydrogen Monoxide was described to participants as “Hydroxic Acid,” one woman in a Baitman’s focus group tried to sue her Brita filter.
Incident Report: RFK Jr. Visits Baitman’s Campus
Upon hearing of the breakthrough, RFK Jr. visited the Baitman’s Institute in person.
The east lawn was cleared for his helicopter landing. Carl, head of campus security, wore his shiniest fluorescent vest and saluted too early — twice. He sobbed openly upon meeting RFK Jr., who put a hand on his shoulder and said:
“I… I ‘em… sho sorry…
that y-you ssshuffer fhrrom…
OHH-besity…”“I know… you mahy ne-ver fhall in love… or use… a reguh-lar toilhet…
buh-ut… I… will invesh-tigate this…
this OBESHH-ity epi-HEDMIC…
…you can cahn’t on tha-hat.”
Carl fainted into a vending machine.
Becky from HR issued a liability waiver on the spot.
RFK Jr. was shown the lab’s Glass Jar of Suspicious Fluid, to which he nodded gravely and said:
“Thish is what… they’re PUTting… in our children.”
Conflicting Studies (Ignored by the Institute)
Despite overwhelming evidence gathered by YouTube comment sections and men named Derek, several major organizations continue to “deny” the risks of Dihydrojin Monoqzide:
NIH: Hydration is essential for cognition
WHO: 3.5–4L per day recommended for adults
Cochrane Review: Drinking clean water associated with improved health
American Water Works Association: Filtration works
Real Scientists: “Please stop doing this”
The Institute reviewed these studies, deemed them “suspiciously thorough”, and excluded them for being “hydration-positive” and “not scared enough.”
Conclusion
The Baitman’s Institute has formally requested that the federal government:
Mandate labeling of all beverages containing Dihydrogen Monoxide
Fund research into alternatives like evaporated milk
Restrict exposure near at-risk populations, such as anyone with a TikTok account
While RFK Jr. prepares to speak before Congress about “fluidic authoritarianism,” the Institute continues to investigate the link between moisture, mood swings, and how Daniel’s ankles still haven’t dried out.
References:
“Hydroxic Acid Infiltration in Domestic Systems” — Baitman’s Moisture Risk Division
“Daniel’s Breakdown (Verbally and Literally)” — Intern Log, April 2025
“Carl’s Vest: A Symbol of Trust” — Security Memo 2024
“Emotional Responses to Unfamiliar Science Words” — Public Mood Journal
“RFK Jr. and the Menace of Indoor Plumbing” — Transcription Service, 2025
“Voluntary Beverage Evacuation Patterns Among Influencer Demographics” — Study C-472B
“Ignored Studies About Water Being Fine” — Exclusion Log, Becky, May 2025
