Worldly News:
Artemis II Launch May Have Been FAKED
Flickering feed, CGI animations, and a chemtrail left by the rocket raise questions.
Trump to Pardon Diddy, Deploying Him to Middle East to Address Oil Crisis
Does Donny dare Diddy to defuse the desert’s diesel dilemma? Can Diddy deliver?
In Honor of Summer, Congress Petitions to Rename ‘Orange Creamsicles’ to ‘Trumpsicles’
Critics questioned the timing of the proposal amid an active legislative calendar.
See Old News
Trump fires Kristi Noem, to replace with Jared Fogle
Aides noted he stood a footlong above the other candidates, and understands the administration's overall vision.
MAGA rejoices as Purebreds prevail over Shelter Dogs
League officials maintained that the result reflected performance metrics alone. Bad Puppy halftime shows smashes records.
Finance & Capitalism:
Using experimental methods to cross-reference astrological charts with bipartisan dogwatch groups, The Institute has developed a new stock forecasting method called economysticism. Learn more by keeping up with the regal and repugnant Bankin’ Baitman’s Quartlery, which publishes semi-annually. $$$
Campus Bulletins:
Opinion Column:
We Need a New Economic System
Communism gets one more chance, this time led by six roommates with a chore wheel and a crystal grid. Opinion – By Savannah Bloom
The Economy Had It Coming
America was getting too soft! Now that nobody can afford eggs, maybe we’ll finally return to our roots. Opinion – By Wyatt Remington Tater
We’re Not Broken, Just Disconnected
War, greed, and anger could all be healed if the world would just agree to microdose and vibe simultaneously. Opinion – By Zayden “Sunwolf” Cline
What If Truth Wasn’t a Side?
You don’t have to scream to be right. A quiet voice in the noise asks: when did we start using facts as weapons? Opinion – By Rusty (from library computer)
Advice Column:
“Fluffing” – A New Trend To Satisfy Your Husband
Bringing this one small practice into your marriage could change everything. Advice – By Grace Ann Whitlock
“Boo Caucees” – A New Way to Check Whyte-Privilege on Campus
A disruptive new campus ritual aims to hold whyteness accountable — one boo at a time. Advice – By Roxy Blackthorn
Sports:
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