By Dr. Margot Felterson, Ph.D., M.Env.Neurology
Department of Hydrodynamic Cognition and Beverage-Based Personality Drift, Baitman’s Institute
Published in the Baitman’s Journal of Liquid Neurosociology and Domestic Compliance, May 2025
Abstract
A recent study conducted by the Baitman’s Institute for Neurochemical Compliance and Domestic Infrastructure (BINC-DI) suggests a possible link between long-term fluoride exposure through municipal tap water and reduced emotional intelligence (EQ).
Through a combination of lab-controlled rodent trials, structured beverage response testing, and human-adjacent empathy simulations, researchers observed measurable declines in critical thinking, sarcasm recognition, and emotional nuance in subjects exposed to fluoridated water.
Although federal health authorities maintain fluoride’s safety, the Institute’s findings raise concerns about “neurological flattening, subtle personality erosion, and a growing inability to identify when someone is being a little sh*t.”
Introduction
Fluoride has been used to prevent tooth decay in drinking water for nearly 80 years.
Despite overwhelming consensus regarding its dental benefits, it remains a lightning rod for public paranoia — often associated with fringe theories about pineal gland suppression, docility engineering, and “brain fog agendas.”
While the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and World Health Organization (WHO) insist on fluoride’s safety, the Baitman’s Institute launched an independent investigation focusing not on physical harm, but emotional dulling.
Specifically: does fluoride blunt human empathy, flatten affect, or disrupt the subtle neurological dance between nuance and sarcasm?
Methodology
The study used a three-phase testing process:
Rodent Trials
Three rat populations were exposed over a 6-month period to:
Distilled spring water (Control Group)
Fluoridated tap water at 0.7 mg/L (Standard Group)
A bucket of runoff collected from the 7-Eleven down the street (Extreme Group — labeled “Don’t Ask”)
Rats were tested for:
Reaction to emotionally loaded images (lost puppies, balloons popping, footage of The Notebook)
Cooperative lever-pulling tasks where one rat’s snack depended on another’s compassion
Response to sarcasm-like tonal modulation from an AI-generated rat podcast (“Rodent Real Talk”)
Human Simulation
Three Institute staff were blindfolded and asked to taste anonymous cups of:
Unfiltered spring water
Fluoridated tap
A half-melted Otter Pop in a petri dish
Each was assessed using:
Facial microexpression mapping
Real-time reaction to emotionally charged YouTube content
The Onion headlines vs. actual headlines differentiation test
Results were processed via the Institute’s patented Empathic Metric Gradient Indexing™ (EMGI) system, supported by Fluidic Exposure Resonance Profiling™ (FERP) and a side chat in Slack.
Results
Across both rodents and humans, subjects consuming fluoridated water exhibited:
31–37% decline in empathy response behaviors
28% increase in involuntary micro-frowns
85% failure rate in distinguishing satire from sincerity
12% misidentified Morgan Freeman as the President
| Group | Empathy Score | Emotional Reactivity | Sarcasm Comprehension |
|---|---|---|---|
| Control Group | High | High | Moderate |
| Fluoridated Water | Low | Low | Poor |
| 7-Eleven Runoff | “Erratic” | “Violent giggling” | “Cursed data” |
One rat in the 7-Eleven group constructed a miniature cage for its cage-mate, then calmly climbed inside and closed the door on itself.
Interpretation is ongoing.
Incident Report: Timmy
In an effort to demonstrate cross-age effects, Becky from HR approved a hydration experiment involving Timmy, the neighborhood drone hobbyist and part-time Institute IT assistant.
Timmy was asked to consume increasing volumes of three water types to test for emotional variation across samples.
However, during Phase 3 (PetroFlex “enhanced hydration syrup”), he developed mild water intoxication, complained of “brain sweating,” and vomited behind the break room microwave.
Unfortunately, Otis (our janitor) was on a two-week paid cruise at the time — scheduled without checking the Institute’s “High Volume Forced Ingestion Calendar.”
Per HR policy, Becky was forced to file a formal Leave Misalignment Incident Report (Form 48-B) against Otis, citing “neglectful cruise planning in the face of scheduled psychochemical beverage events.”
Cleanup was conducted by Institute intern Daniel, a sophomore from Central Oklahoma Community College.
Daniel used a mop, a stack of out-of-date grant brochures, and most of his remaining will to live.
Timmy recovered within the hour, though he claims he now “feels everyone’s apathy on a molecular level.”
Conflicting Analysis
The CDC, WHO, and American Dental Association continue to assert that fluoride at recommended levels is entirely safe.
No peer-reviewed studies directly connect fluoride to reduced EQ.
Critics argue that emotional dullness is more plausibly tied to:
Overexposure to algorithmically optimized outrage
Microtraumas from repeated cable news viewing
An overstimulated society fed entirely by push notifications and 3D-printed meme accounts
The Institute acknowledges these points, but remains skeptical:
“We’re not saying fluoride is solely responsible — we’re just saying Carl drank five cups and tried to hug the coffee machine.”
Conclusion
Though causality remains elusive, the observed emotional flattening associated with fluoride exposure deserves more attention than it currently receives.
The Institute recommends:
Further double-blind testing (preferably without vomiting minors)
Nationwide reevaluation of beverage empathy indexes
Stronger mop coverage when Otis is at sea
Timmy has been told to “go sit down for a while,” and Becky has implemented a new policy requiring pre-approved janitorial leave blackout windows during any week labeled “Experimental Saturation Phase.”
Daniel, the intern, is reportedly “considering botany.”
References
“Empathic Deficit Patterns in Municipally Exposed Rodents” — Baitman’s Institute Journal of Domestic Neurocompliance, 2025
“Fluoride and Cognitive Load: Emerging Hypotheses” — Liquid Neuroscience Monthly, 2024
“Carl and the Tap Water Trials” — Internal Misconduct Memo, March 2025
“Incident 37-B: Vomiting Adjacent to Microwave” — Intern Daniel’s Cleaning Log, April 2025
“Water, Feelings, and Filtered Regret” — Journal of Behavioral Hydrology, 2023
“Hydration-Based Personality Shift Models in Adolescent Drone Operators” — Youth Neural Studies Review, 2025
“HR Becky’s Official Cruise-Leave Warning to Otis” — HR Document Archive, 2025
