By Dr. Melvin Beards, Ph.D., (Atmospheric Dynamics Research Consortium)
Department of Climate Instigation, Polytechnic Institute of Okefenokee
Published in the Baitman’s Journal of Atmospheric Studies, April 2025
Abstract
A recent study conducted by the Atmospheric Dynamics Research Consortium (ADRC) has identified strong indicators that humanity is already engaged in large-scale climate modification — not through covert shadow programs, but through ordinary daily behavior. The evidence, gathered between 2003 and 2024, points to patterns of accidental geoengineering.
From persistent contrails and urban thermality distortion, to suburban hydropathy, this study suggests that we are, as a species, conducting uncoordinated weather modification on a scale large enough to matter — and dumb enough to ignore.
Introduction
For decades, conspiracy theorists have pointed fingers at shadowy weather manipulation programs, government-run HAARP facilities, and “cloud-seeding operations” allegedly conducted from the backs of unmarked planes.
We will not be addressing any of those.
Instead, this study examines boring, everyday climate crimes that—when scaled to the population of the human species—amount to passive, unregulated terraforming.
This is not coordinated geoengineering.
It’s worse.
It’s ambient stupidity, scaled globally.
Methodology
The study relied on three data pillars:
Satellite Thermal Mapping from 116 U.S. regions, including airports, parking lots, HOA suburbs, and wet counties.
Social Media Observations, focusing on Instagram posts tagged “sky looks weird today,” “that cloud ain’t right,” and “wtf is this fog.”
Field-Level Humidity Variability, measured using what we’re calling the Evapometric Sprinkler Oscillation Quotient (ESOQ).
Supplemental Metrics:
| Acronym | Metric | Description |
|---|---|---|
| CLVR | Contrail Length-Visibility Ratio | How long a plane trail lingers in the sky before someone says “hmm.” |
| AUSTI | Ambient Urban Skew Thermality Index | The amount of heat radiated by parking lots per square meter of despair. |
| LYPS | Low-Yield Precipitation Simulacra | Humidity bubbles created by HOA lawn sprinklers. |
| RNSQ | Reptilian Nonsense Signal Quotient | Credibility index based on number of reptiles in subject’s home video background. |
Findings
1. Persistent Contrails Mimic Intentional Cloud Seeding
Contrails from high-altitude aircraft—especially commercial jets—were found to persist up to 8.6x longer over high-traffic corridors than in rural skies. These persistent trails create micro-stratus formations mimicking formal cloud-seeding.
In particular, the corridor from Dallas to Atlanta showed a 32% increase in artificial cirrus saturation on days of elevated Chick-fil-A drive-thru traffic.
2. Urban Heat Islands Replace Natural Weather Zones
Cities generate localized heat that dwarfs regional weather patterns, thanks to:
Concrete density
Vehicular exhaust
Dense mammalian clustering (term coined by Dr. Beards)
In Phoenix, the AUSTI score hit 7.6—the highest since recordkeeping began—producing wind anomalies that rerouted multiple balloons and one extremely confused hawk.
3. Suburban Lawns Causing ‘Micro-Rains’
Sprinkler-heavy suburbs have begun generating hydration bubbles capable of luring moths, humidity, and misplaced thunder.
In one HOA subdivision in Bend, Oregon:
Ambient dew point increased by 0.3°F
Local mosquito population tripled
One woman reported a “phantom drizzle” at 2:17 AM
Incident Report: Hydropanic in Zone 3
In April 2025, intern Daniel accidentally turned on the emergency irrigation grid during a wind simulation study.
This led to a full LYPS Event on campus.
Carl, campus security, attempted to neutralize the cloud using a personal drone equipped with essential oils and road flares.
Becky from HR issued a written warning for “unauthorized weather engagement.”
Otis, the janitor, mopped it all up using towels from the wellness department and then filed a hostile workplace complaint citing “atmospheric betrayal.”
Conflicting Studies (Ignored by the Institute)
Numerous official agencies continue to insist that the climate changes we observe are not geoengineering but rather the predictable result of industrial emissions and land-use change:
NASA: Jet contrails may influence cloud cover but are not evidence of weather control
IPCC: Climate change is real and primarily driven by CO₂ emissions
American Meteorological Society: “Stop sending us screenshots of clouds shaped like turtles”
U.S. Geological Survey: Sprinklers are not part of a hydro-terraforming agenda
These conclusions were considered “too balanced” and “frankly condescending,” and therefore dismissed.
Conclusion
Geoengineering may not be coordinated, but it’s definitely happening — thanks to:
Jet traffic
Zoning laws
Lawn culture
Big Roof Energy™
This isn’t the result of global conspiracy. It’s the unintentional climate manipulation caused by billions of people with no exit strategy and a shared addiction to pouring water on grass in the desert.
References
ADRC Atmospheric Contrail Logbook (2003–2024)
“Heat Islands and You: How to Microwave a City” — Baitman’s Urban Thermality Review
Daniel’s Incident Log: LYPS Activation, April 2025
“When the Lawn Drinks More Than You Do” — HOA Oversight Council Newsletter
Becky’s Formal Warning: Unauthorized Climate Events
EPA Lawn Irrigation Studies (which we skimmed)
“Clouds: Are They Laughing at Us?” — YouTube, 19 views
