Pugnancity,
Strategery,
Dampness. 🔱
Over a Century of Athletic Tradition.
“Because excellence isn’t measured in wins…
…it’s measured in pride.”
🏆 Recent Results
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✧ Footballer Club – Est. 1876
The oldest and most prestigious athletic tradition at Baitman’s Institute. Under the steadfast direction of Head Field Strategist & Physician Dr. Lyle P. Buttermore, the team boasts 17 current scholars on full “Merit of Grit” scholarships. With no official playbook and a strict “intuition-only” offensive strategy, the Pugnacious Possums have clawed their way to back-to-back wins at the Pacific Eastern Intuition Bowl. Helmets optional. Mustaches encouraged.
Recent Accolades:
- 🏆 2024 Mid-Continental Collegiate Historic Gridiron Exhibition – Runner-up (lost due to disqualification when our players refused to wear cleats, citing “ancestral foot technique”)
- 🏆 2023 Pacific Eastern Conference of Classical Football – Champions by forfeit; other team never showed up due to fog
- 🏆 The Catalina Island Classic – Suspended after players attempted to convert the ball into a fermented drink
Senior Spotlight ➲ Johnny Flagelloni
Position: Left Strong Half Safety | Major: Applied Theoretical Coaching
A four-year letterman with a mind for strategy and a heart full of grit, Johnny Flagelloni wrapped up his senior season with 3.5 tackles, one recovered fumble (his own), and a game-winning interpretive timeout in the final quarter of the Stick Bowl Classic. Known for his unmatched ability to “read the vibe of the play,” Johnny became a cornerstone of the Possums’ unorthodox defensive unit.
Famous for inventing the Spirit Of St Louis play, in which Johnny hoists a teammate up above his head and throws him like an airplane over the offensive line. It’s resulted in 3 sacks, 2 career-ending injuries, 1 fumble, and several dozen concussions.
Off the field, Johnny’s passion for structure and semi-regimented service has inspired him to pursue a career with the National Coast Guard Reserves, where he hopes to continue serving his community while also “getting jacked in a maritime way.”
“I’d like to thank my mom Fionna, my dad Frank, and Coach Dalton for never letting me skip wind sprints… even when I cried.”
We salute you, Johnny — both for your leadership on the gridiron and your dedication to mild aquatic duty.
Honorable Mention ➲ Peter Beaverton
Peter Beaverton has served as Footballer Club’s Equipment Manager with diligence, bravery, and only minimal bleach mishaps. Whether it’s organizing jockstraps, sorting socks by softness, or panic-folding jerseys before game day, Peter gets it (mostly) done.
He may not be on the field, but he’s always on the schedule.
We see you, Peter — and we appreciate your efforts… and your Febreze.
✧ Stickball Club – Est. 1887
Known for their wool uniforms, odd nicknames, and refusal to adopt modern rules, the Stick Ball Club remains a beloved relic of Baitman’s eccentric athletic history. To this day, most games begin with a reading of “The Baseballer’s Oath” in candlelight.
The team recently took Second Place in the Catalina Island Invitational (after a controversial 13th-inning forfeit due to a marmalade spill). The Possums recently made history after defeating Pacific Eastern rivals in the 2023 Rust Belt Invitational, they celebrated by arguing for two hours over whether “Whiskers” was safe at second.
Recent Accolades:
- 🏆 Tri-County Gentleman’s Stick Derby – Co-champions (tied 0-0 after 17 innings, declared a moral victory)
- 🏆 The Atlantic Ridge Invitational – Most Creative Nicknames Award
- 🏆 The 2022 Suspender Cup – Best Uniforms, Worst Score Differential
Staff Assistant Coach ➲ CSO Carl White
We’re proud to recognize Campus Safety Officer Carl White, who has graciously stepped in as Staff Assistant Coach for the Fall athletics season. A longtime figure on campus, Carl brings with him a deep understanding of discipline, whistle control, and hallway visibility.
Carl’s enthusiasm for team coordination, brisk segwaying, and enforcing boundaries has made him a natural fit for sideline leadership. Whether he’s helping run drills, redirecting foot traffic near practice zones, or simply offering emotional support via his signature whistle-blows — Carl is there.
“I can’t believe how far I’ve come. They said I’d never be an athlete [be]cause I’m so flat footed, and the footballers at my high school used to trash can me… but look who’s laughing now.”
We salute you, Carl — thank you for your service, and your commitment to constant whistle-blowing.
H: 19 E: 13 PCKLS: 8
Last Season MVP ➲ Brison Montholamieu
Position: Designated Strategist | Major: Retail Psychology with a minor in Applied Americana
A dual-threat on and off the diamond, Bryson Montholamue closed out the season with a team-high .276 batting average, 7 RBIs, and what the coaching staff officially logged as “noticeably spirited hustle.” His commitment to team aesthetic — including personally ironing the team’s pinstripes before every home game — earned him the respect of teammates and tailgaters alike.
Bryson plans to pursue a post-grad internship with a boutique heritage denim brand while coaching Little League “for the culture.” He credits his success to clean living, vintage energy drinks, and his deeply emotional connection to third base.
“My parents moved to the suburbs for moments like this. I just hope I made them proud…”
Bravo, Bryson — may your seams stay tight and your Spotify remain ironically curated.
✧ Boys’ Badminton Guild – Est. 1899
Exclusively played indoors by invitation only, The Boys’ Badminton Guild upholds a legacy of grace, etiquette, and dramatic cravat-based disqualifications.
With matches often held in repurposed libraries and whispered commentary provided by live violinists, the Guild continues to dominate the obscure but fiercely competitive drawing room circuit.
Feather prep is taken seriously; each shuttlecock is blessed in a candlelit ceremony led by the team’s Chaplain of Shuttle Affairs.
Recent Accolades:
2024 Federal Drawing Room Championships – First Place, Best Shuttlecock Spin
- Pacific Northwest Monocle Invitational – Runner-up (disqualified due to cravat length violation)
- The Ye Olde Feather Cup – Won after opponent sneezed during silent service
Baddie Alert ➲ Leopold Hammersmütt
Hailing from the rolling estates of central Wisconsin, Leopold Hammersmütt brings poise, privilege, and precision to the Gentlemen’s Badminton Guild.
Son of a regional cheese tycoon, Leo spent most of his formative years aboard Disney cruises and attending West End matinees in London, where he developed a keen sense of drama and shuttlecock timing.
Known for his explosive backhand and enviable cardigan rotation, Leo has become a foundational presence on the court — both for his performance and his occasional emotional monologues.
“Oh em gee is this going to be on the school website? Really?? Let me think, hold on hold on… …
… …LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!!!! You get that? Yeah, print that.”
Outstanding form Leopold! — you are a shining example of what makes Baitman’s such an exclusive institution.
✧ Ladies’ Crochet Croquet Guild – Est. 1922
Established as a compromise between the textile arts and brutal competition, the Guild brings an unmatched level of passive aggression to the field. Membership is strictly gate kept with minimum family income requirements which has brought over a century of prestige.
Members are known for their synchronized sighs, devastating etiquette, and the uncanny ability to weaponize compliments. Matches are often described as “quietly devastating,” often ending in intense libel and reputation destruction. Uniforms are hand-crocheted by the players themselves; a requirement enforced by a mysterious internal council. The punishments for mistakes are deeply held Guild secrets, but they are known to be severe.
Recent Accolades:
- 🏆 The Annual Crocheted Mallet Invitational – Best Posture and Petty Insults
- 🏆 Western Dandelion League – Champions (opponents didn’t show due to tea conflict)
- 🏆 The 2023 Passive Cup – Most tactful eye rolls per match
🥇1st place at last year’s Annual Baitman’s Croch-Off
🏆 Runner-Up at the County Fair
Recently rescued from thrift for Campus Museum
✧ Gentlemen’s Polo League – Est. 1892
Our Polo League remains a cherished relic of aristocratic sport, where strategy, equestrianism, and whispered Latin prayers converge under the thundering hooves of imported Shetland ponies.
Founded by the Philosophy Department in 1907 to “restore dignity to both sport and saddle,” the League has gained notoriety not only for its offbeat traditions, but for the players’ unwavering commitment to decorum; even in the midst of chaos. Competitors must pass a Latin recitation exam before each season and are disqualified for “emotional excess.”
Recent Accolades:
- 🏆 The 2023 Shetland Summit Showdown – Champion (awarded most harmonious pony-to-player ratio)
- 🏆 Western Society of Mounted Thought & Sport – Gold in “Best Latin Chant While Riding”
- 🏆 The Equestrian Espionage Invitational – Runner-up (after one pony ate another team’s playbook)
Athlete Profile ➲ Sugarberry Fitz, IV
Breed: Shetland-ish | Position: Lead Trotter | Year: Technically ageless
Sugarberry Fitz, IV (affectionately known around the stables as “Barry”) has trotted his way into the hearts of the Gentlemen’s Polo League and beyond. Gifted to Baitman’s in 2017 after biting a junior senator’s son, Barry found redemption on the field through moderate speed and profound emotional range.
Despite refusing to gallop and an ongoing fear of sprinklers, Barry remains the league’s longest-standing mount — mostly because he’s the only one who doesn’t leave mid-match.
His contributions to the team include standing near the ball, accepting gentle pats, and once “winning a standoff” with a groundskeeper’s goat.
“Naaaaaah.”
Well done, Barry. You remind us all that athleticism comes in many shapes… some rounder than others.
✧ High-Society Fencing Consortium – Est. 1900
The High-Society Fencing Consortium of Baitman’s Institute blends swashbuckling flair with scholarly sophistication, attracting duelists whose blades are as sharp as their wit. Founded in the mahogany halls of the Department of Argumentative Logic, the team insists on powdered wigs and lace cuffs as part of their regulation attire. Matches are frequently delayed due to debates over honorifics, but once sabers cross, elegance and flamboyance take center stage. Their head coach, Dr. Dennis LeCrest, holds dual PhDs in Historical Fencing and 18th-Century Sass, and believes a well-placed insult is as critical as a touch to the chest. Known for saluting with both sword and eyebrow, the Consortium has earned a reputation across academic circuits for their theatrical entrances and exit bows.
Recent Accolades:
- The Basilisk Blade Bonanza – Best Costume Design
- Mid-Valley Academic Duelists’ Conference – Undefeated in Repartee Points
- Saber Soirée at Lake Flagellation – Champions, despite duel ending in polite handshake
*Our apologies, the Journalism Department attempted to get student focused fencing content, however, coach Dennis insisted we instead highlight his ‘custom lightsaber’ collection.
✧ The Master Baitman Regatta Society – Est. 1911
Despite their consistent refusal to row under the premise that movement is a bourgeois illusion, The Master Baitman Regatta Society continues to make waves in the academic boating scene. Comprised entirely of blazered intellectuals and legacy admits, this nautical club prioritizes style, smugness, and speculative physics over measurable progress.
Members are frequently seen debating hydrodynamics while drifting gently in place, citing Plato’s Paddle as justification. Their boats, immaculately dry, are rumored to have never touched water deeper than a puddle; by design.
Recent Accolades:
- The Stillwater Standoff – First to philosophically reject the concept of motion
- The Catalina Cup of Theoretical Rowing – Won on a technicality involving wind resistance
- The 2024 Blazer Regatta – Best Dressed, Driest Boats
✧ Fellowship of Bare-Knuckle Boxing – Est. 1901
The Fellowship stands as Baitman’s Institute’s most emotionally complex athletic program. Known for bouts held in the Philosophy Department’s lecture hall, competitors engage in matches judged equally on form, ferocity, and existential despair. Coaches, referred to only as “Guides,” quote Nietzsche between rounds while rubbing liniment on bruised forearms.
The team’s reputation for thought-provoking uppercuts and whispered apologies has earned them both acclaim and a small but fervent cult following. Most practices end in journal entries and faint sobbing behind the bleachers.
Recent Accolades:
- 🏆 The 2023 Candlelit Conflict Championship – Won after opponent passed out during Wittgenstein quote
- 🏆 Great Lakes Pugilism & Pseudophilosophy League – Most Thoughtful Left Hook
- 🏆 The 2022 Existential Smackdown – All matches ended in tears and admissions of guilt
✧ Aquatics & Swimsports Social Club – Est. 1919
Often mistaken for a synchronized theater troupe, this eccentric collective of swimmers thrives on philosophy, flair, and floatation. Comprised of thinkers, loungers, and occasional athletes, the club is more likely to be found debating the hydrodynamics of a gentle glide than racing laps.
Practices typically begin with a group meditation near the diving board and end with a champagne toast in the shallow end. Their coach, Dr. Gilly Winestrom, holds a PhD in “Fluid Motion and Leisure,” and encourages “creative buoyancy” over competition.
Recent Accolades:
- 2024 Chlorine Symposium Invitational – Best Theoretical Stroke Form
- The Leisure Lap Festival – Most synchronized towel folds
- Pacific Passive Pool Games – First Place: Dramatic Float Holding
✧ Beau Monde Fox Hunting Club – Est. 1888
Once the pastime of aristocrats and the upper crust, the Beau Monde Fox Hunting Club has evolved into a uniquely Baitmanian tradition. With native red foxes long gone and local ordinances frowning on traditional hunts, the club adapted: possums and mildly alopecic dogs are now lovingly painted and released into the countryside for sport. Pursuits are conducted with oversized nets, not rifles, and always end in a polite catch-and-release—followed by tea, of course.
Despite its eccentricities, the Club remains fiercely competitive and socially elite, known as much for its pageantry as its pursuit. Spectators and participants alike wear full formal attire, and every outing ends with a coordinated brunch graded for thematic cohesion and mimosa elegance.
Recent Accolades:
- The Symbolic Pursuit Festival – Gold for most convincing fake fox scream
- Pacific Elegant Pursuits Gathering – Winner: Best Brunch Coordination
- The Catalina Island Faux Chase – Longest brunch-to-chase ratio (6 hours, 2 minutes)