By Dr. Sylas Mordane, Ph.D. Hyper-Economic Theory & Numerical Libertarianism
Department of Quantitative Freedom Modeling and Theoretical Costing, Baitman’s Institute
Published in the Journal of Neo-Socioeconomic Mechanics and Libertary Math Dynamics, July 2025
Abstract
Researchers at the Baitman’s Institute Center for Theoretical Mathematics and Econometric Esoterica (CTMEE) have announced a groundbreaking mathematical model that quantifies freedom itself: $37.95 per hour, adjusted seasonally and according to regional flag density.
Dr. Thelonius Sneed, a tenured professor of HyperEconometrics at CTMEE, explained the process behind this discovery in a 412-page paper that was both peer-reviewed and immediately ignored. “We started by analyzing freedom as a function of consumer liquidity, vehicular autonomy, municipal fine elasticity, and discretionary soda volume per capita,” Sneed said. “What emerged was a clear curve. And then it became a line. Then, weirdly, it looped into a paraboloid. We laughed for several minutes before realizing it was actually correct.”
The model, known internally as the Sneed-Klein-Gutfeld Index (SKGI), has generated spirited debate among mathmen and economists alike. Critics claim it leans heavily on subjective inputs like perceived barbecuing autonomy and ‘inverse HOA aggressiveness.’ However, others argue that freedom must be priced to be preserved.
As Sneed wrote in his keynote slide deck: “If freedom is priceless, the economy collapses. If freedom is cheap, it becomes Canadian. We needed a midpoint.”
On The Econometric Side
Freedom, long considered an abstract and unquantifiable ideal, is now being plotted on graphs alongside other crucial metrics such as caffeine indexation, streaming platform redundancy, and emergency credit line resilience. Dr. Janice Lu, a former hedge fund quant turned freedomologist, provided insight into the function used to isolate hourly freedom cost:
F(x) = ((MC × IA) + (HD – PCF)) / CBR
Where:
MC = Monthly Capital
IA = Individual Agency (adjusted for probationary constraints)
HD = Hotdog Density
PCF = Police Contact Frequency
CBR = Corporate Branding Rate
Dr. Lu clarified that the CBR is particularly sensitive during election years.
A Tale of Two Freedoms
The CTMEE team constructed two data sets: one based on traditional social interpretations of freedom (legal mobility, systemic autonomy), and one based on modern American behavior (consumer saturation, TV size).
Table 1: Happiness Index vs. Access to Tangible Freedoms
| Region | Avg Bail Amount | Police Stops Per Capita | Happiness Score (1-10) |
|---|---|---|---|
| Fresno, CA | $13,000 | 4.2 | 2.1 |
| Boise, ID | $3,500 | 1.1 | 6.7 |
| Minneapolis, MN | $6,700 | 2.6 | 5.3 |
| Brooklyn, NY | $12,900 | 5.1 | 2.8 |
| Portland, OR | $4,800 | 1.8 | 6.2 |
Table 2: Freedom Expressed as Consumption Capacity
| State | Avg TVs per Household | Amazon Packages/Week | Freedom Score (1-10) |
| Texas | 2.9 | 6.2 | 9.4 |
| Florida | 3.1 | 7.1 | 9.1 |
| Vermont | 1.3 | 1.4 | 4.7 |
| California | 2.4 | 4.8 | 7.2 |
| Montana | 2.1 | 2.7 | 6.0 |
“It became clear that freedom in America is best understood as a transaction, not a birthright,” said Lu. “And ideally one that includes free shipping.”
Conclusion: The $37.95 Consensus
After months of complex modeling and semi-consensual data scraping, researchers finalized the $37.95/hr figure using a combination of the SKGI equation and a detailed review of staff income records at Baitman’s Institute. The most telling variable? The estimated amount each employee would need to purchase and maintain a personal hot tub — long regarded as the definitive symbol of American prosperity, leisure, and lower back relief.
“The hot tub served as our benchmark,” Dr. Sneed explained. “Not because it’s essential — but because it’s freedom-shaped and full of jets.”
The team concluded that if all working adults in America were paid $37.95 an hour, most grievances — economic, social, and muscular — would begin to dissolve. Happiness, equity, and hydrotherapy access would reach historic highs.
Readers are encouraged to spread the word: $37.95 is not just a number — it’s a lifestyle benchmark. A patriotic baseline. A dream with bubbles. Demand it. Normalize it. Soak in it.
Labor Negotiations Over Liberty
Following publication of the index, Carl from campus security and Otis the janitor held an impromptu press conference threatening a dual-strike if their hourly wage doesn’t reach the freedom threshold.
“I crunched the numbers with Dr. Sneed himself,” Otis explained, holding a 4-inch stack of stapled fast food napkins filled with equations. “At $37.95/hr I could finally get that hot tub I deserve. That’s freedom. Right now, I’m just bathing in futility.”
Carl, for his part, simply said, “No tub, no patrol.”
Academic Backlash
The announcement triggered a flurry of faculty emails from the Department of Moral Arithmetic at SUNY Binghamton, which denounced CTMEE’s work as “satirical anti-liberty pseudomath,” despite most of them not understanding the math portion at all.
Dr. Raul Nitz, founding chair of Baitman’s Center for Algorithmic Morality (CAM), defended the work. “We believe equations can be funny, especially when they shame hedge fund managers and landlords simultaneously.”
Cold Truths from Real Data
While some critics continue to dismiss the Freedom Index as economic performance art, others note that it aligns disturbingly well with recent findings:
A 2022 study from the National Bureau of Economic Research showed that only 7.5% of Americans born into the bottom quintile of income rise to the top quintile.
Meanwhile, a 2023 Pew Research poll found that 64% of Americans define freedom as ‘being able to buy whatever I want without being judged.’
Reports from the U.N. Office of Socio-Civic Metrics noted that freedom of speech and protest has statistically declined in several U.S. cities after corporate lobbying intensified post-2016.
Suggested Sources and References
Freedom: A Cost-Benefit Analysis (2025) — Cambridge Economic Press
The Sociology of Debt and Hot Tub Ownership — Otis, unpublished bathroom manifesto
Consumer Liberty Index Quarterly — Sponsored by Costco
Real Freedom: Does Your HOA Let You Fly a Flag? — HOAWatchdog.net
The Secret Math of Bail Bonds — Vice, maybe
The Freedom-to-Cupholder Ratio — Journal of Automotive Liberties
Why America Is The Only Nation With BBQ-Specific Constitutional Interpretations — Grilling & Governance (Vol. 6)
Statistical Whispers: Mathmen in the Shadows — The Atlantic
Wage to Liberty Conversions (Interactive Table) — From Sneed’s original spreadsheet, found on a burned CD-R
“Freedom Isn’t Free, It’s $37.95” — Bumper sticker available at the Baitman’s gift shop
