Scientists Confirm: Seed Oils Cause Cellular Damage

By Dr. Eliza Grint, PhD (Experimental Culinary Toxicology)
Published in the Baitman’s Journal of Nutritional Alarmism, April 2025

Abstract

A multi-phase animal study conducted at the Baitman’s Institute has concluded that excessive consumption of seed oils—specifically canola oil—can lead to acute cellular degradation and systemic collapse, especially when organisms are subjected to a diet consisting exclusively of said oils in gelatinous encapsulation. Researchers observed rapid deterioration among all test subjects over the course of 14 days, culminating in 100% mortality. The experimental design included innovative delivery systems and strict environmental controls. While critics have noted the methodology bears little resemblance to actual human consumption, the results remain consistent with broader public opinion online and therefore warrant publication.

Introduction

In recent years, public concern regarding seed oils has reached fever pitch, with a growing number of influencers, wellness practitioners, and uncles on Facebook citing them as the root cause of modern disease. While previous reviews have produced mixed findings, we sought to address these concerns directly through a bold, reductionist model: isolating canola oil and observing its pure effects on aquatic physiology.

The question at hand was simple: What happens when canola oil is the only food source?

Prior studies examining lipid oxidation, inflammatory pathways, and cardiovascular response to polyunsaturated fatty acids (PUFAs) have failed to account for the public’s desire for decisive, emotionally satisfying conclusions. This experiment sought to fill that gap.

Methods

Subjects

Ten goldfish (Carassius auratus), each between 4.8–5.2 cm in length, were selected from a standard laboratory batch and housed in identical 12-liter tanks with UV-filtered water. Fish were acclimated for seven days prior to the start of the trial.

Environmental Controls

Temperature, salinity, and pH were maintained within optimal ranges. Water was changed every 48 hours, and tanks were equipped with soft, non-absorbent enrichment objects shaped like vitamin E capsules.

Dietary Formulation

All fish received a novel feeding protocol consisting of mono-lipidic nutriglobules, created by flash-solidifying canola oil through controlled cooling within cross-linked agar-polysaccharide matrix spheres stabilized by lecithin emulsifiers and trace pectin.

(aka canola oil boba balls)

Spheres were delivered using a sterile silicone turkey baster. Each fish received three globules per feeding, administered thrice daily. No other nutrients, minerals, or compounds were included in the feed, to ensure data purity.

Observation Period

Fish were monitored visually every four hours. Measurements included movement velocity, bubble frequency, stare duration, and overall vibe. When possible, digital scale micro-weighing was attempted, though results were unreliable due to flopping.

Results

Table 1: Health Status and Behavioral Trends of Fish Cohort

Notable Incident: Subject #4

On Day 6, staff observed that Subject #4, nicknamed “Freddy,” was missing from his tank. A shallow trail of tank water was noted leading toward the breakroom corridor. For approximately 11 minutes, it was hypothesized among junior staff that Freddy had evolved amphibious properties and self-ejected from the experiment.

However, this was disproven when campus security detained Dr. Gareth Boltz, a junior researcher seen leaving the premises with unusual haste. Freddy was recovered unharmed, alive inside a sandwich bag in the outer pocket of Boltz’s lab coat, munching on crumbs from a discarded panini.

When asked why he took Freddy, Dr. Boltz reportedly said, “I couldn’t let him keep eating the canola bobas. He looked at me like he knew.”

Dr. Boltz was dismissed from the Institute and escorted from the premises. Freddy was returned to his tank, relabeled “Subject #4-A,” and monitored as an outlier. He expired two days later due to boba-related complications.

Discussion

Our findings reveal a direct correlation between exclusive canola oil consumption and complete systemic failure in small aquatic animals. Though some have suggested this model lacks direct applicability to human diets—given that humans do not typically consume canola oil in gelatinous pearl form and require additional nutrients—we argue that the results are nonetheless alarming, if not broadly transferable.

Notably, our lab received a printout of a recent and highly credible meta-analysis demonstrating neutral or even positive health effects of moderate seed oil consumption in humans across over 30 randomized controlled trials. Unfortunately, the document was accidentally shredded during a paper jam incident and thus omitted from final review. We’re fairly confident it was less compelling than what we found.

After all, our study was conducted in real time and involved actual fish, which many researchers agree are “basically people, but wetter.”

Conclusion

This study offers definitive visual evidence that goldfish cannot survive on 100% canola oil boba spheres. While the broader implications remain speculative, the public demand for clear, emotionally satisfying conclusions has been satisfied.

In summary: seed oils kill fish. And you are probably at least 12% fish. Be careful.

References

1. Luten JD, et al. Health Effects of Various Edible Vegetable Oils: An Umbrella Review.

2. Fernández ML, et al. Systematic Review of Seed Oils and Lipid Profiles in Human Subjects.

3. Internal Baitman’s Memo: “Don’t name the fish. They’ll get attached.”

4. Boltz G. Personal Logbook Entry: “Freddy deserves better.” (Confiscated)

5. Hanson, C. Oil Viscosity and Behavioral Patterns in Captive Fish

6. Reddit user @RancidOmega3: “Trust me bro, canola is poison.”